Ten Ways to Ruin Your Day

Since everyone seems to be talking about the recent Rotten Tomatoes 100 Worst list, I decided to try my hand at pondering a few unsightly gaffes dished out by Hollywood and beyond.

Here are a few of my least favorites in no particular order. Caution: Spoilers abound.

1) Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
      Dear Disney: Please don't set us up for the ideal romantic ending between two people who clearly have no chemistry only to make it so they can't actually be together in the end. After three hours of stunts where people roll down hills in round or cylindrical objects while delivering punchline-less jokes, all I wanted was the freaking happy ending. And you couldn't even deliver that. Thanks for literally nothing.

2) Summer Catch (2001)
       Gross, humorless, plotless. Even the eggy Freddie Prinze Jr. with his perpetually freshly glossed lips couldn't inspire any interest in this insanely tasteless and bland dud.

3) A League of Their Own (1992)
      Before anyone gets upset, I have to say that I used to like this movie. The issue is now I have seen it way too many times and the goodness wore off, leaving behind the aftertaste of how I used to feel when I watched it. Now whenever I see it on TV I have to contend with the onslaught of emotion that used to confront me while sitting on a couch on a Sunday late afternoon in winter watching HBO, knowing I had a huge pile of homework waiting in the next room and an entire week of school ahead of me. Downer! Note that those feelings have nothing to do with the content of the film. Yet just the thought of the music accompanying the final scenes makes me feel middle school era lethargy and depression all over again.

4) Burn After Reading (2009)
      Gigantically mis-marketed film. A case of expectations way out of line with what was delivered. Left feeling so let down and sour that the rest of my night was ruined. It makes the list mainly because the Coen brothers are the writers and directors of one of my favorites (that somehow didn't make it onto my top ten list), Blood Simple (1984).

5) Lilo and Stitch (2002)
      Obnoxious and intensely not cute. Couldn't get into it at all. Just wanted it to end. Still cringe when I come across clips and stills.

6) Blood and Chocolate (2007)
      Based on a popular young adult novel of the same title, this movie had little to nothing to do with the original source material.  Terrible acting. Bad cinematography. Ridiculous dialogue. Stayed only because walking out seemed like giving up, and I wanted to prove that I could give the book the respect of sitting through the movie adaptation. Extremely poor judgment on my part.

7)  Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
      The kind of movie where you go and you just get so angry because of all the unnecessary blue filters and dramatic slow motion. Atrocious dialogue. Poor performances. Generated a headache that lasted beyond the credits.

8) Hancock (2008)
      Holy lord. This was a train wreck. Whoever wrote/made this did not edit it. Played like a short story written for a creative writing class by a physics major at 3am after having just taken two midterms and had stomach flu.

9) Birth of a Nation (1915)
      I don't care if D.W. Griffith established parallel editing or whatever with this movie, I hate it. I hate it so much. The obvious reason is that its racist, yet still intensely famous. The not so obvious reason is that it just sucks. 

10) T,O,U,C,H,I,N,G (1969)
      If you ever get the opportunity to watch this avant-garde classic, don't. Just walk away. Don't question me, just walk right back out through the door you came in.

Aaaand that's the long and short of it.

Arguments? Additions? Please feel free to comment!

Top Ten Off the Top of My Head

People often ask me what my favorite movie is. I always find that type of question very difficult to answer.  Do I go with most entertaining?  Movies I have watched over and over?  Favorite genre of movies?  Favorite era? Director?  Whatever I think is "the best"? According to what standard?

So I decided to quit stressing and just make a list of the top ten that I can think of right now, without any hesitation.  This list will likely change over time, but hey.  Fodder for future posts.

In no particular order:

1) Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)
        I think it is quite beautiful. And it has a scene where a piglet gets drunk and runs around. It's silent yet its not annoying to sit through.

2) The Goonies (1985)
        I have seen it probably over a hundred times and it never ever gets old. Someday I shall go to Astoria, Oregon where it was set and walk around quoting the entire thing while listening to the soundtrack. Then I will have truly reached the pinnacle of annoying, but I will also feel fulfilled.

3) The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
        Amazingly complex, Wes Anderson's masterpiece in my opinion. Humor that never gets old, pathos that never goes stale. Excellent soundtrack.

4) Spirited Away (2001)
        So strange yet so engaging.  Hayao Miyazaki is one of my all time favorites. This movie tied with his rendition of Howl's Moving Castle (2004). Haven't seen Ponyo yet.

5) Boys Don't Cry (1999)
        Brutal, terrible, excellent. Not one I can watch over and over, but one that made me cry.

6) The Snowman (1982)
        Amazing colored pencil animation, lovely soundtrack, every kid's dream but with a touch of sadness.

7) Monkey Business (1931)
        Marx Brothers classic.  Hilarious gags from Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo.  The sort of movie where you can't stop laughing once you start. Especially the lemonade scene.

8) La cienaga (2001)
        The sort of movie where nothing happens, yet everything happens.  Brilliant colors and nuanced characters, even if you don't understand Spanish. Very honest.

9) Labyrinth (1986)
        David Bowie, goblin king and baby thief extraordinaire, wears tights and wigs and makeup while he attempts to foil Jennifer Connelly's efforts to rescue her little brother. Of course its a musical.

10) Cleo from 5 to 7 (1962)
        A gem of the French New Wave.  Shot in lovely black and white in Paris.  You'll think you hate the protagonist in the beginning, but by the end you'll cry too when she sings "Sans Toi."

So that's it. For now. Do you have your own list? Its fun to think about, especially when you put a limitation in number on your "favorites."