The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 (2011)

Dear Every Other Reviewer of Twilight,

Please stop complaining about the plot of the movies. Everyone knows the story is silly already-- we read the books. For those viewers of the movie who did not (or did not wish to) acknowledge how silly/terrible the plot is, and what a disgustingly distorted and unhappy relationship dynamic it represents, your review means nothing. They will simply say "haters gon' hate" and throw your review in the trash.

Kindly focus on the cinematic aspects of the movie that failed. They were nearly as catastrophic as the plot elements that you spent your precious word count critiquing. However, as stated above, the flaws of the story were already there in the book. Leave criticizing those up to the book critics.

Please see my review below for an example of an honest consideration of the film's strengths and weaknesses.

Thanks,
Cait (The Complainer)


REVIEW:

This movie sucked and was majorly boring.

Hideously inept acting, extremely poor pacing, and ill timed and ill themed musical accompaniment soured the entire film experience overall. Little details like garish yellow contact lenses and unintentionally hilarious use of special effects kept everyone wondering why they paid to see to the movie in theaters. Lengthy "conversations" between snarling wolves and extremely corny love scenes provided handy moments for bathroom breaks. Taylor Lautner doing a laudable attempt at a crying breakdown, providing what was to be the only emotionally resonant moment of the film for me, served as a handy litmus test for just how bad the movie was overall.

I am still going to see the final installment. I have no justification as for why.

But please get a new editor or a new director or something. At least make me able to pretend I didn't waste my twelve bucks and 100 minutes.

Waitress (2007)

My, oh my. Gonna bake a pie.

I very much enjoyed this movie, which seemed to me to be a very real representation of a woman's perspective on difficult life decisions. Weighty enough to be meaningful yet light enough to be accessible and enjoyable, Waitress made me laugh, worry, and sigh.

Quirky dialogue and humorous moments that really matched with my sense of what's funny helped. Realism with a dash of fairy tale only made things better.

Overall-- totally worth it if you want to see something different in a good way. Plus you'll be really really hungry for some random berries smashed with chocolate pie by the end of it.

The Craft (1996)

Definitely a major guilty pleasure for a lot of people around my age, The Craft does not fail to delight even fifteen (?!) years after it was made.

Fun fact-- The Craft carries more weight with me now than it did when I was however old when I first saw it because unlike then, I now live where the movie is set-- L.A. in all its grimy glory.

I will not try to claim here that The Craft represents a decent portrayal of Wicca, or even of high school girls and all their awkward 'practice' relationships, but I do maintain that it is hilariously entertaining. Plus the soundtrack is still awesome.

Recommended for an indulgent Sunday afternoon. Smug and incredulous laughs abound.

Secretary (2002)

When I first heard about Secretary from a girlfriend I was skeptical. I did not think I could trust a movie with James Spader in it to treat the subject of BDSM with proper respect, showing the complexities and subtleties of the lifestyle without regressing into some silly caricature of what some straight-laced people think BDSM means/looks like.

But then, after many different girlfriends over many years repeatedly suggested it to me, I finally caved and added it to my queue.

I was pleasantly surprised. Maggie Gyllenhall wields a sweet submissive agency over her (somewhat reluctantly) dominating boss played quite well by Spader. As their romance unfolds we get to see the dynamics of their relationship played out with almost a parable-like flair-- even the erotic scenes are treated such that they carry plenty of meaning (and interest) and still manage void the pitfalls of vulgarity and unnecessary realism.

Overall--recommended if you like something off the beaten path are are comfortable seeing a different kind of hetero relationship than what you usually get at the movies.

Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)

This movie was just OK.

I really wanted it to be fantastic and have an interesting statement to make about relationships, but at the end of the day it was just a standard story with decent performances.

You can probably get the same experience of watching the movie if you just watch the preview, and you'll save time too.

Unless you want to be treated to an unsavory view of Ryan Gosling's creepy so-deep-you-could-lose-some-food-in-there-and-smell-it-rotting-three-weeks-later chest and abdominal muscles. I guess some people are into that type of thing?

Whatever. Worth your time if you're bored, have not a lot else going on, and want to hear a bunch of people talk about love like you've heard it talked about 1,000+ times before.

Sliding Doors (1998)

Since I didn't watch this movie until now, thirteen years (has it really been thirteen years since 1998?!) after it came out, I can only assume I missed the zeitgeist boat on this one.

If you don't already know, the movie is about how different Gwyneth Paltrow's character Helen's life has the potential to be, hinging on whether or not she makes a train one day after getting fired from her job.

Thoroughly and charmingly silly in plot and acting, Sliding Doors feels highly inconsequential all the way through, even when poor Helen (SPOILER ALERT) is lying in a hospital bed dying after tragic accidents that leave her maimed in both alternate lives.

Overall it was an amusingly outdated bit of fluff. Bonus points for the friend who keeps bursting out laughing when something terrible happens to Helen's philandering lover (see the first 60 seconds of the clip). It was what I felt like doing throughout the entire thing.

Blue Valentine (2010)

Ugggghhhhhhhhhhh! Blue Valentine makes me want to die.

But on the other hand.

Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh! It was so good.

Michelle Williams (whom you already know I very much admire) and Ryan Gosling play a couple in a gut-wrenching failing relationship, familiar to anyone who has ever really opened themselves up to another person and watched that connection disintegrate.

We are treated (or maybe subjected) to the whole arc of their relationship from its sweet beginnings to its crushingly meaningless and empty end.

The hardest thing about Blue Valentine is that you're not asked to like or dislike any of the characters. This is also the most valuable aspect of this film. It doesn't take a side. That's up to you, which is incredibly difficult and if you're anything like me could lead to melancholy bouts of relationship oriented introspection.

I can't say I'd recommend this movie to anyone. Not good for anyone looking for a happy ending, obviously, but also surprisingly not so cathartic. More frustrating overall.

Excellent acting, excellent, bold filmmaking. Brave choices all around for everyone involved in making it.

Bridesmaids (2011)

I wish movies as enjoyable as this one weren't so rare.

Female characters making jokes that real women often make amongst themselves, and in highly not cliched fashion. A legitimate storyline right along with a variety of types of humor, including (but not limited to) gross-out.

Delightfully unexpected characters mixed in with some familiar faces.

Fantastic!!!!!!!!...!!!

Giant (1956)

Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson play an extremely wealthy couple living on a cattle ranch turned oil field in rural Texas, and a hugely absurd James Dean comes along for the ride.

Rock Hudson's character struggles to overcome his racism against Mexicans, while Elizabeth Taylor's character struggles to look realistically dirty and appropriately upset in the dusty, often hostile setting.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this one. Even though it went on for two hundred years (it literally had an intermission) and was at times amusingly dated (both visually and subject matter-wise), I genuinely wanted to sit through all the way to the end.

An interesting minor role by Dennis Hopper, who I only really knew for his amusing roles in two of my childhood favorites, Super Mario Bros. (1993) and Waterworld (1995), and of course for his disturbing turn in creepy David Lynch's creepy Blue Velvet (1986).

Bonus points to anyone who can remind me what film essay (assigned during my time at Northwestern) specifically discussed the upsetting/hilarious Thanksgiving dinner scene in which the couple's small children realize they're about to eat the turkey they've been patiently feeding for a month.

Overall: likely to be enjoyable to you if you like Taylor, Hudson, Dean, or movies from the '50s. Otherwise, skip it.

Red Riding Hood (2011)

A lot of close-ups on Amanda Seyfried's way too big eyes as she gazes unconvincingly longingly at some very not cute Edward/Jacob knock-offs.

Bewildering story, inane details (Large metal elephant that you can torture someone in by putting a fire under it??? How did anyone ever think this was a good idea?!), infantile delivery and editing choices. PS. There's a choreographed dance scene.

PPS. This movie sucked.

Worth a laugh, maybe, as a rental. Do not pay to see it in a theater. They couldn't even get the shots of the winter landscape scenery right. Ouch.

Black Swan (2010)

Shut up, Darren Aronofsky.

The Fighter (2010)

- Perplexing
- Funny...on purpose?
- Solid

True Grit (2010)

- Fantastic
- Beautiful to behold
- Quotable
- Makes me want to go out into the wilderness and overall be braver, stronger, and better at using the vocabulary I have
- All around excellent

The Girl Who Played with Fire (2009)

Pretty good overall. Noomi Rapace was awesome, again. And in the first few seconds of the movie it became clear that I’d misjudged the ending of the last one by a lot. All kinds of kick-ass going on in this movie, and no watered down B.S. romantic imperatives. What a relief.

The Girl Who Played with Fire, just like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, will make you consider what it means to watch brutal violence, specifically against women, on the big screen. Not necessarily a bad thing, but definitely difficult to watch at times. Worth the effort for the story and the compelling lead character.

Go see this (and rent the first one too) if you can, before Hollywood churns out its sure to be disappointing adaptation.

The Runaways (2010)

This based-on-a-true-story film about the formation of the all girl rock band The Runaways was kind of a letdown, but that wasn’t particularly surprising given the criticism it already received, both when it made the festival circuit and when it was distributed more widely.

I was hoping that critics had been unjustified in rating it so low, but sadly they were right. It was a pretty boring movie overall. Eyebrow raising, considering that the story it tells (of how Joan Jett and company were brought together to form a rather groundbreaking band) is actually pretty interesting in and of itself. It just wasn’t served by the filmmaking and the way the whole thing was put together.

What I did like, however, was Kristen Stewart’s performance. Finally breaking away from the moody teenager romantic angst figure that she’s been associated with so far, Stewart actually convincingly portrays Jett in presumably accurate fashion (Jett herself has been quoted as saying Stewart actually became her for the film)*. Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that I’m already a fan of Stewart for various reasons, but I think here in The Runaways Stewart’s performance can show that she’s actually a quality actor to those who aren’t on Team Bella.

Maybe rent it if you’re interested in the music history already, or if you’re really keen on seeing Kristen Stewart make out with Dakota Fanning. Overall- meh.

*I don’t remember where. Most likely in an interview in Entertainment Weekly.

Eclipse (2010)

Despite what you may expect, I, like many people all over the place, have totally and not altogether regrettably been sucked into this whole Twilight mass tomfoolery. I enjoy debates over who is “better for Bella.” I can tell you the plot of the whole series in the time it takes for a bus to travel about ten blocks. I have pretty definite opinions about casting decisions that have been made, and I now own the soundtrack to two of the movies. And I can say all of these things while still acknowledging (like most adult fans of Twilight) that even through the whole thing is pretty awful, when you get right down to it, I still sincerely enjoy participating in it.

And yet I found this latest installment of the self-proclaimed “saga”, Eclipse, pretty ho-hum. Where they were trying for suspense all they really achieved was too much dilly-dallying and dwelling on some weaksauce make-out scenes. The intensity of all the smoldering gazes is totally neutered by the sheer number of shots that are dedicated to them. Plus I think I’m now totally insensitive to both Taylor Lautner’s abs and Kristen Stewart's sultry sulking, which is a goddamn crying shame. Overexposure was the culprit, again.

Pretty much the most emotional part of the whole movie was the scene in which Bella spends what is supposed to be her last sunny vacation with her mother in Florida, which was probably the only scene in the movie done with any type of restraint or subtlety whatsoever.

I spent the rest of the movie being bothered by the clunky opacity of the yellow contacts they put on the Cullens and wishing for a tiny bit of risqué behavior from anyone at all on screen. All this idle time also unfortunately allowed me to make dangerous realizations about Stephanie Meyer’s narrative style, which basically entails her not thinking about the mythology she’s creating, backtracking, and then re-writing the rules so that the story can continue and everyone is happy.

Whatever. I still can’t wait to see the next movies. They should be just as forehead-slappingly frustrating, yet just as mandatory to attend to anyone addicted to the crack that is Twilight.

Yours truly included. (Team Bella).

Date Night (2010)

Very funny dialogue.
Absurd, nonsensical plot.

For some reason I wasn’t able to hold on to or remember any specifics from this movie, despite it being entirely enjoyable.

Bonus points for Tina Fey’s smart, humorous, and accurate portrayal of what it means to be a feminist today.

Worth a rental.

Whisper of the Heart (1995)

This movie… explained EVERYTHING. At least with regard to its sort of sequel The Cat Returns, the oddball adventure movie I reviewed a while back and valued for its sheer whimsy.

In Whisper of the Heart we see that the lead characters of The Cat Returns (The Baron and Muta) are very minor characters that figure in a narrative about finding out what you really want out of life. Whereas Cat takes some serious flights of fancy, Whisper is far more solidly located in the real world. In it we follow Shizuku through Tokyo as she struggles to decide what path she wants to take in life. She has to face obstacles stemming from family, love, and problems with self-worth while she pursues her goal of becoming a writer.

Though Whisper can’t compete with Cat for first prize in weird, Whisper does have hugely superior quality animation. And while Cat is a bit silly and hard to take seriously on the level of plot, Whisper is way more emotionally engaging. Definitely more along the lines of what you would expect from Studio Ghibli.

Overall, Whisper of the Heart is good for the same thing every other Ghibli film is good for—interesting visuals, interesting narrative, and all around great animated filmmaking!

New Moon (2009)

All I have to say about the latest installment of “The Twilight Saga” is OMG AWESOME. By that I mean that New Moon is a very appropriate and entertaining adaptation of the second book in the four-part series. It sticks to the original material quite faithfully, using interesting visuals to convey Stephenie Meyer’s addictive (albeit wholly silly) fantasy world of brooding undead and friendly shape-shifters.

Here is what happens: Edward leaves, Bella dies a little, Jacob is hunky. Edward is a drama queen, Bella leaves, Jacob is sooooo sad. Vampires and werewolves, etc. Teenagers—lol!

And as a serendipitous addition to this already guiltily pleasurable emotional rollercoaster, Kristen Stewart actually improves upon the Bella from the books, trading obnoxious whiney inner thoughts for a more compelling and nuanced melancholy moodiness. While the other actors stick to Meyer’s original characterizations, Stewart goes the extra mile of making Bella all the more believable and therefore more emotionally-investable as a character.

New Moon is an obvious must for any follower of Meyer’s books, but is also delightfully engaging for any fan of hyperbolic romance served up fantasy style. You won't regret seeing it on the big screen.

Coco before Chanel (2009)

This quiet biopic about Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel before she got famous is pleasant enough to watch but ultimately forgettable once you walk out of the theater.

It’s not that the acting or the plot is lackluster. On the contrary, it is quite engaging to see how Chanel goes from rags to riches by sheer force of will. Audrey Tautou artfully shows us just what kind of character is needed in order for Chanel to succeed, especially in light of the considerable obstacles with which an orphaned woman in turn of the century France was faced.

I think for me the problem was that the film did have some emotional content, showing Chanel in complicated romantic situations with a variety of men, but that somehow at the end of the day we could still only look on Chanel’s story from the outside. It was as though we had been invited to look through a window at her life, but never quite got invited inside to join in.

Perhaps this keeping the audience at arm’s length was the point; Chanel is repeatedly characterized as independent to the degree of aloofness throughout the film. However, this coldness had the effect of creating a certain degree of indifference in me toward Chanel—at the end of the film I didn’t really feel anything at all.