The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 (2011)

Dear Every Other Reviewer of Twilight,

Please stop complaining about the plot of the movies. Everyone knows the story is silly already-- we read the books. For those viewers of the movie who did not (or did not wish to) acknowledge how silly/terrible the plot is, and what a disgustingly distorted and unhappy relationship dynamic it represents, your review means nothing. They will simply say "haters gon' hate" and throw your review in the trash.

Kindly focus on the cinematic aspects of the movie that failed. They were nearly as catastrophic as the plot elements that you spent your precious word count critiquing. However, as stated above, the flaws of the story were already there in the book. Leave criticizing those up to the book critics.

Please see my review below for an example of an honest consideration of the film's strengths and weaknesses.

Thanks,
Cait (The Complainer)


REVIEW:

This movie sucked and was majorly boring.

Hideously inept acting, extremely poor pacing, and ill timed and ill themed musical accompaniment soured the entire film experience overall. Little details like garish yellow contact lenses and unintentionally hilarious use of special effects kept everyone wondering why they paid to see to the movie in theaters. Lengthy "conversations" between snarling wolves and extremely corny love scenes provided handy moments for bathroom breaks. Taylor Lautner doing a laudable attempt at a crying breakdown, providing what was to be the only emotionally resonant moment of the film for me, served as a handy litmus test for just how bad the movie was overall.

I am still going to see the final installment. I have no justification as for why.

But please get a new editor or a new director or something. At least make me able to pretend I didn't waste my twelve bucks and 100 minutes.

Stranger Than Paradise (1984)

I rented this movie thinking it was another one I'd been looking for for a while, the source of an enigmatic image on a film art textbook from yesteryear. About five minutes into the movie I realized my error but decided to keep watching anyway based on the intriguing nature of the images and story unfolding.

Stranger Than Paradise was an interesting exercise in meandering (non)narrative structure, with the plot seeming to occur to the writer/director Jim Jarmusch spontaneously, bent to the will of the characters (or maybe the actors... or no, maybe the characters?).

Overall it piques the curiosity, semi-satisfies it, and then wanders away of it's own free will. Good for a patient viewer, not so great for people who crave a fully defined plot. It's up to you.

Wit (2001)

A bitter, poignant, and meaningful TV adaptation of a stage play about a professor who has terminal cancer and decides to submit herself to experimental (albeit doomed) treatment for research purposes.

Emma Thompson in the lead role makes you wonder why other actors even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

100% worth your afternoon or evening. Bring tissues and maybe a hint of masochism.

Profoundly moving. Entirely worthwhile.

Waitress (2007)

My, oh my. Gonna bake a pie.

I very much enjoyed this movie, which seemed to me to be a very real representation of a woman's perspective on difficult life decisions. Weighty enough to be meaningful yet light enough to be accessible and enjoyable, Waitress made me laugh, worry, and sigh.

Quirky dialogue and humorous moments that really matched with my sense of what's funny helped. Realism with a dash of fairy tale only made things better.

Overall-- totally worth it if you want to see something different in a good way. Plus you'll be really really hungry for some random berries smashed with chocolate pie by the end of it.

The Craft (1996)

Definitely a major guilty pleasure for a lot of people around my age, The Craft does not fail to delight even fifteen (?!) years after it was made.

Fun fact-- The Craft carries more weight with me now than it did when I was however old when I first saw it because unlike then, I now live where the movie is set-- L.A. in all its grimy glory.

I will not try to claim here that The Craft represents a decent portrayal of Wicca, or even of high school girls and all their awkward 'practice' relationships, but I do maintain that it is hilariously entertaining. Plus the soundtrack is still awesome.

Recommended for an indulgent Sunday afternoon. Smug and incredulous laughs abound.

Secretary (2002)

When I first heard about Secretary from a girlfriend I was skeptical. I did not think I could trust a movie with James Spader in it to treat the subject of BDSM with proper respect, showing the complexities and subtleties of the lifestyle without regressing into some silly caricature of what some straight-laced people think BDSM means/looks like.

But then, after many different girlfriends over many years repeatedly suggested it to me, I finally caved and added it to my queue.

I was pleasantly surprised. Maggie Gyllenhall wields a sweet submissive agency over her (somewhat reluctantly) dominating boss played quite well by Spader. As their romance unfolds we get to see the dynamics of their relationship played out with almost a parable-like flair-- even the erotic scenes are treated such that they carry plenty of meaning (and interest) and still manage void the pitfalls of vulgarity and unnecessary realism.

Overall--recommended if you like something off the beaten path are are comfortable seeing a different kind of hetero relationship than what you usually get at the movies.

Blue Valentine (2010)

Ugggghhhhhhhhhhh! Blue Valentine makes me want to die.

But on the other hand.

Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh! It was so good.

Michelle Williams (whom you already know I very much admire) and Ryan Gosling play a couple in a gut-wrenching failing relationship, familiar to anyone who has ever really opened themselves up to another person and watched that connection disintegrate.

We are treated (or maybe subjected) to the whole arc of their relationship from its sweet beginnings to its crushingly meaningless and empty end.

The hardest thing about Blue Valentine is that you're not asked to like or dislike any of the characters. This is also the most valuable aspect of this film. It doesn't take a side. That's up to you, which is incredibly difficult and if you're anything like me could lead to melancholy bouts of relationship oriented introspection.

I can't say I'd recommend this movie to anyone. Not good for anyone looking for a happy ending, obviously, but also surprisingly not so cathartic. More frustrating overall.

Excellent acting, excellent, bold filmmaking. Brave choices all around for everyone involved in making it.

True Grit (1969)

Just as valuable as the 2010 reboot but in different ways.

Props to Kim Darby (Yes, this Kim Darby), for bringing emotion to the table despite the silliness of her voice, acting style, and astoundingly Justin Bieber-like haircut.

When you watch this you'll be treated to another serendipitous and excellent minor role for Dennis Hopper. The more I see of his older work the more I want to watch of everything he's ever done.

I think my favorite part of watching this John Wayne classic was gaining a greater appreciation of the richness of the modern adaptation's roots. Each actor in the update really drew from and yet moved beyond the now charmingly outdated original.

It helped me understand even more why the recent adaptation of True Grit was nominated for best picture. Yay!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

What stands out most to me about HP5 is that this installment of the series marks the beginning of the grown-up stuff.

In addition to the real, heavy-hitting incidents that begin to unfold, we also encounter more complicated relationships between friends and family members. Much of the silly stuff is over and done now, with some shockingly dark elements beginning to rear their ugly heads (read: sickening Umbridge, malicious Kreature, weak Cornelius Fudge, and the ever-odious Malfoys).

Rowling also shows her mean streak by yanking the possibility of happiness for Harry out from under him (and, incidentally, us too), in what will be the first of many heartbreaking personal losses in the series.

While HP5 marks an improvement for me in terms of how its depth and complexity compares to what we've seen so far, it also signals the beginning of the end.

-Sigh.- While I can't wait for July 15th, I also dread it.

Who's with me?

Bridesmaids (2011)

I wish movies as enjoyable as this one weren't so rare.

Female characters making jokes that real women often make amongst themselves, and in highly not cliched fashion. A legitimate storyline right along with a variety of types of humor, including (but not limited to) gross-out.

Delightfully unexpected characters mixed in with some familiar faces.

Fantastic!!!!!!!!...!!!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

Hey. Everyone! Sorry I didn't post one single blog entry in the entire month of May. It was an intensely busy month, but it was not without movie watching, and neither was June. So consider the emptying of the now substantial backlog officially begun.

Up first, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World!

I waited a long time to watch this movie. When I first saw the previews for it way back when I thought it looked intriguing, but I was hesitant to allow my enthusiasm to grow because I had a tiny paranoid conspiracy that this movie was being marketed to appeal to a very specific subset of young adults to which I definitely (albeit somewhat reluctantly) belong. To make myself clear, I was afraid I was getting sucked in by cheap, glittery, hipster-y advertising tactics rather than by the potential of the movie.

To make matters worse, in the interim between seeing the trailers for Scott Pilgrim and finally watching it on DVD I picked up the comic in a local bookstore and was unimpressed by the illustrations. I'm an avid consumer of graphic novels, and I have to say that if I don't like the illustrations I'm seeing, I don't like the book. So strike two for Scott Pilgrim.

Anyway, the movie finally made its way up in my Netflix queue and I thought I'd give it a try if for no other reason than to have fodder for some actual complaints on this phantasmagoria.

I was pleasantly surprised. I liked the characters, I liked the effects, and I loved the pacing. The aesthetic was pretty cool, and the music was fun. There was some level of complexity there, and the relationships seemed decently real to me. I also really liked this character. Her blinding rage and her ability to bleep her own cuss words were thoroughly entertaining.

Overall, I'd suggest this movie to you if you're into comics/graphic novels, Canada, hipsters, music, hair dye, action/adventure type things, movies about 20-something creative types, Michael Cera, good acting, snappy writing, and good movies.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

I think this is my least favorite HP of the series. Moments like this can begin to show you why. I believe what bothers me about this particular HP installment is sadly obvious in the clip, despite the laughably poor quality of this video. If you don't pick it up, then I think you and I are on very very different pages in terms of movie taste.

But anyway, besides the over-the-top campyness used to portray the two visiting schools of magic, the main problem I have with the movie is that there is neither enough blatant silliness and nor enough disturbing darkness to really draw me into the film as much as the rest of series.

There are a few redeeming features, however, and experience of watching Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire is by no means a waste of time. My favorite aspects of HP4 are MadEye Moody, the portrayal of the nationalistic mania associated with the Quidditch World Cup, and the blunt sucker-punch of Cedric Diggory's death.

Plus, who can help but slyly grin at all of Ron Weasley's vaguely vulgar asides regarding the rear ends of the ladies of BeauxBatons? Certainly not me.

In fact, I find myself clinging to this film in a way, especially knowing what sort of emotional blows await me in the final chapters of the story.

While I look forward to seeing the development of my favorite characters (and the introduction of my alter-ego!) in the films to come, HP4 marks the turning point from which I may look back at the previous films with nostalgia for the innocence portrayed in them.

Rango (2011)

I really enjoyed this movie. I thought the dialogue was genuinely interesting and funny, and that the subject matter was both whimsical and novel.

The character design was never cute, and for the most part, not visually appealing on any level. I found this lack of aesthetic appeal refreshing. The ugliness and oddness of the characters was pleasantly counterbalanced by some very delightful visual moments. Two (of many possible) examples that spring to mind are 1) when Rango is "drawing" in the dark night sky using a smoldering stick from a fire (it looks like flashlight trails captured on long exposure film), and 2) the strange wandering plants based on the real-life Spanish Dagger cactus. I loved the movement and strange personification these plants had in the film.

Overall, Rango was through and through a great animated film. A word of warning, however: though marketed as such, this is DEFINITELY NOT a children's movie. From beginning to end it has elements that would (and did, in the theater I was in) outright terrify small children. There were also some really violent moments, and some mild cussing (along the lines of hell and damn).

To be truly enjoyed by grown-ups only.

Red Riding Hood (2011)

A lot of close-ups on Amanda Seyfried's way too big eyes as she gazes unconvincingly longingly at some very not cute Edward/Jacob knock-offs.

Bewildering story, inane details (Large metal elephant that you can torture someone in by putting a fire under it??? How did anyone ever think this was a good idea?!), infantile delivery and editing choices. PS. There's a choreographed dance scene.

PPS. This movie sucked.

Worth a laugh, maybe, as a rental. Do not pay to see it in a theater. They couldn't even get the shots of the winter landscape scenery right. Ouch.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

What I like most about HP3 is the large amount of silly, physically humorous moments scattered throughout. Scenes from the Whomping Willow's surprisingly brutal anti-bird maneuvers to the series of wonderfully thought through portrayals of the anti-boggart counter spell "Riddikulus!" keep me giggling like a sugar-high child throughout.

This intermittent laughter is a welcome effect, especially in light of the fact that this particular installment of HP really starts to delve into the dark and sometimes troubling complexities of grown-ups. In this movie we have a number of adult characters who have more than one side to their personalities, including the impulsive yet tender Sirius Black, the compassionate and monstrous Professor Remus Lupin, and the truly odious yet pathetic Peter Pettigrew.

I think HP3 definitely serves as an effective gateway into the more serious subject matter of the following films, with danger and despair growing ever closer to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Yet here Rowling's magical world still provides marvelously relieving hints of hope, both in the form of magical devices (time turner, anyone?) and a strong sense of goodness in the people who count.

I hope you are as excited to keep watching as I am.

The Kids Are All Right (2010)

I am afraid to say less about The Kids Are All Right than I did about Leprechaun 5, but I'm not sure I have much to add to what's already widely known about this movie.

Basically what you have here is a solid movie with great acting about a lesbian couple whose marriage suffers when their children seek out their sperm-donor father.

I loved the fact that the movie wasn't about the fact that the main couple is two women. What I loved more about it was that it accurately portrayed a very difficult time in a long term relationship between two people who love each other very much but who can't always make things work right.

Overall, I finished this movie feeling really happy for a number of reasons. A hopeful, bright, interesting and thought provoking film. Lovely.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (2010)

Overall message of this documentary: Joan Rivers is egotistical and mean, and yet sadly fragile inside.

To which I hereby officially respond--meh.

This lackluster doc leaves out what I could consider to be any truly interesting or surprising information, instead mostly just showing us the Joan Rivers we already knew.

The result is a not very bold or unexpected, not very thought provoking, and largely pointless hour and a half about a funny lady and her dirty laundry.

Winter's Bone (2010)

Unique story, uncommon setting, great acting.

Dragged in some parts, somewhat unconvincing as a whole.

Best picture? No. Totally worthwhile? Depends on your taste.

Overall—pretty good. Watch it if you like a feeling of brooding, the Ozarks, and very strong female protagonists.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

I like HP2 for two reasons: 1) “Diagon-ally!” And 2) Kenneth Branagh’s spot-on interpretation of Professor Gilderoy Lockhart.

It is not my favorite Harry Potter movie though, and also takes a back seat to the first installment for me, personally. Director Chris Columbus falters in maintaining the buoyant feeling of newness present in the first movie, but he also fails to commit to doing anything very different in other key areas. The biggest problem for me is that the stakes still are not very high for the three lead characters. Even Herminone’s petrifaction and Ginny’s involvement with and subsequent near death experience caused by Tom Riddle seem to get swept under the rug in terms their effect on Harry and Ron.

Nevertheless, overall I think HP2 is a movie worth watching. The magic is still there, if not in how the story is handled by the filmmakers, then certainly in the cinematic portrayal of Rowling’s magical world itself (including Dobby the house-elf (!!!), who is introduced in this film).

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

For not having the most nuance of the series in terms of plot, humor, or acting, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone certainly wins out in other areas of arguably equal value.

Wonder-inspiring both in terms of visuals and content, and with optimism aplenty to be enjoyed by all, this first movie in the series easily manages to most appropriately bear the moniker “children’s media”. What’s more, even many years and many films later, I found that HP1 still possesses the delightful boon of being able to inspire an audience of adults to feel like children while they watch. At least I did.

Director Chris Columbus (whose projects include The Goonies (screenwriter - 1985) and Home Alone (director - 1990)) does a good job of conveying the tone of buoyant and naively headstrong first-timer enthusiasm present in the book. He also brings out some surprisingly good character portrayals from the very inexperienced trio of young actors who play the lead characters.

Overall, though this first film is not my favorite in the whole series, there is no denying that it has my heart.