Eclipse (2010)

Despite what you may expect, I, like many people all over the place, have totally and not altogether regrettably been sucked into this whole Twilight mass tomfoolery. I enjoy debates over who is “better for Bella.” I can tell you the plot of the whole series in the time it takes for a bus to travel about ten blocks. I have pretty definite opinions about casting decisions that have been made, and I now own the soundtrack to two of the movies. And I can say all of these things while still acknowledging (like most adult fans of Twilight) that even through the whole thing is pretty awful, when you get right down to it, I still sincerely enjoy participating in it.

And yet I found this latest installment of the self-proclaimed “saga”, Eclipse, pretty ho-hum. Where they were trying for suspense all they really achieved was too much dilly-dallying and dwelling on some weaksauce make-out scenes. The intensity of all the smoldering gazes is totally neutered by the sheer number of shots that are dedicated to them. Plus I think I’m now totally insensitive to both Taylor Lautner’s abs and Kristen Stewart's sultry sulking, which is a goddamn crying shame. Overexposure was the culprit, again.

Pretty much the most emotional part of the whole movie was the scene in which Bella spends what is supposed to be her last sunny vacation with her mother in Florida, which was probably the only scene in the movie done with any type of restraint or subtlety whatsoever.

I spent the rest of the movie being bothered by the clunky opacity of the yellow contacts they put on the Cullens and wishing for a tiny bit of risqué behavior from anyone at all on screen. All this idle time also unfortunately allowed me to make dangerous realizations about Stephanie Meyer’s narrative style, which basically entails her not thinking about the mythology she’s creating, backtracking, and then re-writing the rules so that the story can continue and everyone is happy.

Whatever. I still can’t wait to see the next movies. They should be just as forehead-slappingly frustrating, yet just as mandatory to attend to anyone addicted to the crack that is Twilight.

Yours truly included. (Team Bella).