Out with a Bang

Hi everyone. This is the end of the Phantasmagoria of Complaints. To explain why, in brief: I find that more and more I want to dedicate my time to pursuits that take me away from my desk chair during the months and moments when I'm not literally chained to it by school work. And so... my time as a mediocre, snarky, internet-based critic of the cinematic arts comes (perhaps mercifully?) to a close.

As a celebratory/conciliatory gesture, I will leave you with some reviews of movies I have seen since last posting ages and ages ago.

Here goes:

Magic Mike: WooWOOO!!!!! Weinerz lollllzzz ^_-

Brave: Meh. Disappointing for various reasons.

The Avengers: Meh... because I didn't care about any of the characters. Bonus points though for having a very reverent fan in the audience-- his drawn out yet quiet comment "goddamnit" when that one guy took a bullet for the team and died made the whole experience worth it.

Sherlock Homes 2: Actually really entertaining to me. I hear it was exactly the same as the first one, of which I didn't have anything resembling a high opinion. Perhaps I was just too distracted during the first one, the experience of which was ruined by a group of truly out of control teenagers who heckled a woman in the theater so much that she had to leave.

Underworld Awakening: Also surprisingly enjoyable. I like Kate Beckinsale, ever since /Cold Comfort Farm/ way back when. And, obviously, vampires and werewolves!

The Hangover 2: Literally exactly the same as Hangover 1. Although... I do have to admit that the photo series at the end of both movies made me want to write a (probably pitifully theoretically underdeveloped) essay on the role of tableaux (and phantasmagoria?) in the movie (and maybe others like it... though I couldn't name any off the top of my head). I can already hear the grad school adviser's voice in my head asking, deadpan, "So, where are you going with this idea?" I don't know. That's why I chose blogging (and now teaching) instead of academ-ing.

Moonrise Kingdom: Thank you, Wes Anderson, for finally making a movie that nears The Royal Tenenbaums in goodness (if not greatness). Bonus points for the excellent timing in the ear piercing scene.

Hugo: Uhhmmm... I failed to find anything redeeming in this silly, boring story. Am I the only one who though this was a total snooze? I thought I would love it due to its connection to early film history. I was wrong.

And with that, the Phantasmagoria fades to black. I have enjoyed writing reviews for the past however long it's been, but it's time for me to move on now. I will be leaving the blog up, however, because there are just too many people who visit to find the time stamp of the shitting scene in Severed Ways. I can't let them down. For that special group of people, this blog is practically a public service.

On a more sincere note. You can always call or email me if you want to hear me complain some more about movies or any other topic. I'll always have opinions and usually some zesty one-liners, just not the time to write that way I would like.

Thank you for reading.

 -Cait

Heyyyy...

Hey Everyone,

I have on my list of reviews to write:
1) Hugo
2) Underworld: Awakening
3) the Hallmark movie "A Smile As Big As The Moon"

Here's what's on the to-do list above that stuff:
OMG SPRING SEMESTER STARTED AND I HAVE TO START WORKING WITH CHILDREN LIKE 24 HOURS A DAY AND PREPARING FOR THAT AND SOME HIGH STAKES EXAMS THAT WILL BE REARING THEIR UGLY HEADS HERE PRETTY QUICK

So I just wanted to say that there'll likely be ungainly, unprofessional, and unpleasantly long delays between posts from here until late May. When (not if, right guys?! heh..heh..hehhh..trails off, eyes glazed over staring in general direction of stack of books and papers) I do end up posting, I'll put a status update on the ol' facebook. So if you're into reading this blog, cast your errant eye on my page when you feel like it (or more likely when you don't feel like working) and you'll find out pretty quick if there's anything new for you to look at or not.

-the complainer

Hesher (2010)

My preliminary response to watching this movie was teenager-text-message-esque. It went something like this:
OMG!! Whaaaaat the helllllll?????
And also a little like this:
awwwwwwwww. :(

Unfortunately, these thoughts, albeit stunningly poetic, do not a legitimate blog post make. An attempt at a slightly more elevated, articulated evaluation follows.

If you don't know already, Hesher is a movie about the harshly arbitrary realities of trying to get through everyday life while dealing with the loss of a loved one. In it, a middle school-ish aged boy named T.J. grapples not only with the untimely death of his mother, but also the subsequent loss of his father to an entirely crippling grief (played with eyebrow raising depth by Rainn Wilson). T.J. has to navigate the uncertain waters of "where to go from here" alone, until one day he encounters the extremely unpleasant, yet well meaning miscreant Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

Hesher was one of those rare, artistically successful movies in which form and thematic content serve each other quite well. In other words, the overall aesthetic effect (editing, mise-en-scene, performances, pacing, etc) helped carry the central ideas of the movie across. Gordon-Levitt's character is a literal manifestation of the feelings of turmoil and lawlessness trauma can create for people who find their whole worlds destroyed overnight. Though some may argue that many of Hesher's antics, and indeed the movie's events overall are totally over the top, they do all serve the central purpose of illustrating how crazy the world can seem when it changes for you brutally and unexpectedly overnight.

Another success of Hesher is that it somehow manages to feel genuine yet fairytale-like, hyperbolic and understated. It never lets you feel predictable sentiments, yet the emotions it manages to convey are indisputably real.

I very much recommend this movie, but only if you are prepared to accept the unexpected.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 (2011)

Dear Every Other Reviewer of Twilight,

Please stop complaining about the plot of the movies. Everyone knows the story is silly already-- we read the books. For those viewers of the movie who did not (or did not wish to) acknowledge how silly/terrible the plot is, and what a disgustingly distorted and unhappy relationship dynamic it represents, your review means nothing. They will simply say "haters gon' hate" and throw your review in the trash.

Kindly focus on the cinematic aspects of the movie that failed. They were nearly as catastrophic as the plot elements that you spent your precious word count critiquing. However, as stated above, the flaws of the story were already there in the book. Leave criticizing those up to the book critics.

Please see my review below for an example of an honest consideration of the film's strengths and weaknesses.

Thanks,
Cait (The Complainer)


REVIEW:

This movie sucked and was majorly boring.

Hideously inept acting, extremely poor pacing, and ill timed and ill themed musical accompaniment soured the entire film experience overall. Little details like garish yellow contact lenses and unintentionally hilarious use of special effects kept everyone wondering why they paid to see to the movie in theaters. Lengthy "conversations" between snarling wolves and extremely corny love scenes provided handy moments for bathroom breaks. Taylor Lautner doing a laudable attempt at a crying breakdown, providing what was to be the only emotionally resonant moment of the film for me, served as a handy litmus test for just how bad the movie was overall.

I am still going to see the final installment. I have no justification as for why.

But please get a new editor or a new director or something. At least make me able to pretend I didn't waste my twelve bucks and 100 minutes.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

I want to preface this review by stating that the only reason I watched this movie was that it was the only thing in the house and I was desperate to avoid being productive for a time.

Why avoid the Pirates franchise, you ask? Well. I was already tired of the whole thing by the end of the second movie, and the third installment was so pointless to me that it actually made me angry. And yet! I set out to watch On Stranger Tides with some tiny, absurd grain of optimism. I believe I deserve a pat on the back for dredging up this speck of good will. Perhaps it sprung forth from the promise of mermaids and a hugely relieving lack of Kiera Knightley.

But let's not get too off topic. As you could probably predict, I was sadly disappointed yet again. Featuring a surprisingly uninteresting Penelope Cruz, an entirely indifferent Johnny Depp-- one small fraction of a bevy of other A-list actors who all appeared to be phoning it in-- the movie was another good example of how throwing money at a project will not and cannot make it entertaining.

It seemed the story was being made up by the director as the crew was dragged from overly elaborate set to unnecessarily exotic locale. Dialogue was entirely without merit. Performances were ho-hum, at best.

Cool special effects, unfortunate lack of any other aspect which deserves positive comment.

Blah. Don't waste your time.

Stranger Than Paradise (1984)

I rented this movie thinking it was another one I'd been looking for for a while, the source of an enigmatic image on a film art textbook from yesteryear. About five minutes into the movie I realized my error but decided to keep watching anyway based on the intriguing nature of the images and story unfolding.

Stranger Than Paradise was an interesting exercise in meandering (non)narrative structure, with the plot seeming to occur to the writer/director Jim Jarmusch spontaneously, bent to the will of the characters (or maybe the actors... or no, maybe the characters?).

Overall it piques the curiosity, semi-satisfies it, and then wanders away of it's own free will. Good for a patient viewer, not so great for people who crave a fully defined plot. It's up to you.

Wit (2001)

A bitter, poignant, and meaningful TV adaptation of a stage play about a professor who has terminal cancer and decides to submit herself to experimental (albeit doomed) treatment for research purposes.

Emma Thompson in the lead role makes you wonder why other actors even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

100% worth your afternoon or evening. Bring tissues and maybe a hint of masochism.

Profoundly moving. Entirely worthwhile.

Apollo 18 (2011)

Appall-o 18.

The only thing that made this movie better than Transformers was that they didn't waste nearly as much money making it.

Moon rocks are really spiders that go in your skin! And are really boring! And are trying way too hard with too many loud-music-in-place-of-actual-scares moments!

Just awful. Not even good for a laugh.

Blah. I had to go eat a donut afterwards to feel like the evening wasn't entirely wasted.

Waitress (2007)

My, oh my. Gonna bake a pie.

I very much enjoyed this movie, which seemed to me to be a very real representation of a woman's perspective on difficult life decisions. Weighty enough to be meaningful yet light enough to be accessible and enjoyable, Waitress made me laugh, worry, and sigh.

Quirky dialogue and humorous moments that really matched with my sense of what's funny helped. Realism with a dash of fairy tale only made things better.

Overall-- totally worth it if you want to see something different in a good way. Plus you'll be really really hungry for some random berries smashed with chocolate pie by the end of it.

The Craft (1996)

Definitely a major guilty pleasure for a lot of people around my age, The Craft does not fail to delight even fifteen (?!) years after it was made.

Fun fact-- The Craft carries more weight with me now than it did when I was however old when I first saw it because unlike then, I now live where the movie is set-- L.A. in all its grimy glory.

I will not try to claim here that The Craft represents a decent portrayal of Wicca, or even of high school girls and all their awkward 'practice' relationships, but I do maintain that it is hilariously entertaining. Plus the soundtrack is still awesome.

Recommended for an indulgent Sunday afternoon. Smug and incredulous laughs abound.

Secretary (2002)

When I first heard about Secretary from a girlfriend I was skeptical. I did not think I could trust a movie with James Spader in it to treat the subject of BDSM with proper respect, showing the complexities and subtleties of the lifestyle without regressing into some silly caricature of what some straight-laced people think BDSM means/looks like.

But then, after many different girlfriends over many years repeatedly suggested it to me, I finally caved and added it to my queue.

I was pleasantly surprised. Maggie Gyllenhall wields a sweet submissive agency over her (somewhat reluctantly) dominating boss played quite well by Spader. As their romance unfolds we get to see the dynamics of their relationship played out with almost a parable-like flair-- even the erotic scenes are treated such that they carry plenty of meaning (and interest) and still manage void the pitfalls of vulgarity and unnecessary realism.

Overall--recommended if you like something off the beaten path are are comfortable seeing a different kind of hetero relationship than what you usually get at the movies.

Iris (Cirque du Soleil-- Kodak Center, Los Angeles)

Iris (pronounced the French way, "ee-rees") isn't a movie; it's a Cirque du Soleil show that's playing right now at the Kodak Theater (where they film the Academy Awards) in L.A., the theme of which is the history of cinema and movie making.

Needless to say, when I several months ago first saw the advertisements for this show, I was overwhelmed with enthusiasm and excitement. This buoyant feeling almost immediately (and predictably) devolved into anxiety that Cirque would somehow manage to screw it up and thereby incur my wrath for sullying the subject that has been my passion for quite some time now. Despite my apprehension, however, I ended up deciding to go to the show anyway, because I've been fortunate enough to have seen several Cirque shows over the last ten years and I thoroughly enjoyed them all.

Fast forward to September 11th, 2011 (yes, I'm a little behind on my blogging) and you'll find me nearly moved to tears within seconds of being seated before the show starts, because I can see from the get-go that the crazy French Canadian Guy Laliberte (CEO of Cirque du Soleil) has done yet another mind bogglingly competent job putting together a crazy-weird-circus-fantasy spectacle.

My favorite pre-show attraction was the female mime wandering the crowd with a metal contraption surrounding her body. She solicited several people to spin her curious cylinder-skirt, and when no one would do it fast enough to suit her needs she gave it a yank herself. To the delight of the crowd, her skirt (which resembled a film reel turned on its side) revealed itself to be a working zoetrope showing boxers fighting each other in a short, repeated loop. Rewind to February of 2005 and you'll find a fresher-faced me sitting in my history of early cinema class at UC Berkeley watching a very enthusiastic young professor (Professor Kaveh Askari, a graduate of the University of Chicago (?) if you were wondering) demonstrating much smaller versions of the same pre-cinematic device and others like it. This was probably the moment that I decided I loved film and wanted to learn everything about it, and so for the Cirque show to reference it meant a lot to me. (<-- huge understatement) The rest of the show was no different in terms of its emotional impact. Nearly every single aspect connected to some aspect of film as an art form, film history, or film production. Some of the references made were: - Norman McLaren's "Pas de deux"

- Georges Melies' "A Trip to the Moon"

- Edison's "Electrocution of an Elephant" (part of the Cinema of Attractions)

"The Kiss"

- Lotte Reiniger's "Adventures of Prince Achmed"

- Dziga Vertov's "The Man with the Movie Camera" or "The Cinematic Orchestra"

- The Al Jolson film "The Jazz Singer"

- And even what I took as a reference to a particular character from a Hayao Miyazaki film (Howl's Moving Castle)

All these references (and many, many more) were integrated with the usual Cirque spectacle of acrobatics, contortionists, a loose, somewhat dubious romantic narrative that ties the show together, wonderful live music, and some silly clowns which Cirque here opted to use to refer to modern day Hollywood industry stereotypes.

My favorite part was the McLaren reference, because it took a series of dancers and placed them in front of an enormous screen that showed their motion trails, just like in "Pas de deux". I also greatly relished the carnival/vaudeville aspect to this particular Cirque show (though I recognize it's a somewhat common theme throughout them and circus in general), because it connected back to the roots of film as a sort of freak show attraction. I also was just as much impressed by the integration of technology into the acts (I'm thinking in particular of one scene that's incredibly difficult to describe, so I'll leave it up to you to go experience it for yourself) as I was by the skill of the performers, some of whom are Olympic athletes.

I can't say whether many people in the audience understood these myriad references to cinema, but whether or not they did is not important to me. I loved the show because it reminded me of a time in my life not so long ago when I was ruled by a singular passion and drive inspired by the art form of film. Though this time isn't very far distant from me, it feels miles away. Because I am acutely aware of the literal (and metaphorical) distance I've traveled since those glorious days of oblivious (arguably naive) infatuation with my chosen subject of study, Iris moved me quite deeply insofar as it helped me reconnect with past moments in the sun, and I know this intensely personal experience would certainly not be what most people experience on seeing the show.

I highly recommend that you see Iris if you love film and you're in Los Angeles. You won't regret it.

Fright Night (2011)

This extremely entertaining update of the 1985 original has everything I enjoy seeing in a horror movie: humor, low stakes suspense, and an effervescent enthusiasm for making fun of itself.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching Fright Night from beginning to end, laughing along with my friends at all the ridiculous moments, most of which were delivered by Colin Farrell, who seemed to luxuriate in making his role seem as hilariously perverted and degrading/deviant as possible. Even when he's sucking blood out a parade of hapless teenagers, Farrell makes it brazenly obvious that what's really happening is intense, unbridled, and inappropriate sexual pleasure. It is extremely entertaining to watch Farrell run with this role, and I think he did a really smart interpretation of it that I'm not sure others could deliver.

The only problems I had with the film were that 1) the vampires were way scarier when they were not CGI enhanced than when they were. The climactic final monster scene was so overdone CGI-wise that I burst out laughing at the site of it. Leave Farrell with his black contacts and creepy just-jizzed-in-my-pants face alone. And 2) the kid playing the main character appeared to be a 30 year old man*. But he still did a good job in his role, as did the Russell Brand lookalike who played a very apropos satire of Criss Angel.

Overall, VERY worth your time, unless you watch the above clip and hate it. Because if you don't get what's funny about that clip, you won't think Fright Night is funny, at all... guy.

*Horrifying realization: he's younger than me.

30 Minutes or Less (2011)

Lots of offensive jokes said by characters you weren't supposed to like anyway, so who cares, right? (Subtext here-- wrong.)

Really stupid story, really annoying Jesse Eisenberg, really pointless overall.

Don't see it, even if you want to.

Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)

This movie was just OK.

I really wanted it to be fantastic and have an interesting statement to make about relationships, but at the end of the day it was just a standard story with decent performances.

You can probably get the same experience of watching the movie if you just watch the preview, and you'll save time too.

Unless you want to be treated to an unsavory view of Ryan Gosling's creepy so-deep-you-could-lose-some-food-in-there-and-smell-it-rotting-three-weeks-later chest and abdominal muscles. I guess some people are into that type of thing?

Whatever. Worth your time if you're bored, have not a lot else going on, and want to hear a bunch of people talk about love like you've heard it talked about 1,000+ times before.

Paul (2011)

Another alien movie! But this one has British people, comic-con, and a bunch of jokes about gayness that seem like the filmmakers were trying to prove how OK they are with gayness!

Also: Seth Rogen. On the fence about him in normal roles, experienced slight distaste with him in voice-over mode as the gauche but ultimately friendly alien for whom the movie is named.

Some mildly amusing hijinks, Kristen Wiig doing some lukewarm comedy, and Sigourney Weaver in a strange caricature of a role that feels like some of her skits on SNL, and not in a good way. Involved a bunch of other celebrities I don't feel like listing.

Overall: probably not worth your time, unless you're really really into alien movies. In which case, still meh.

Cowboys and Aliens (2011)

This movie was a headache-inducing combination of dull and annoying.

It could be the fact that I find Daniel Craig a little... what's the word I'm looking for... fugly?

Or maybe it's just that I'm pretty tired of Harrison Ford for no real reason other than an interview on Conan that was completely devoid of direction or charm.

However, I'd say the most likely reason I didn't enjoy Cowboys and Aliens is because it seemed like it was trying to be some type of trendy, hip update on the western, but then it wasn't. I saw weak copies of character types and appearances from both Rango and True Grit (in fact, I read in EW that the costume designer actually used fabrics from True Grit for this film), but Cowboys and Aliens had nothing on either of those movies, despite the budget and the talent involved.

I guess I was glad it wasn't a sequel to anything, and it wasn't another insufferably banal superhero movie. However, being glad a bad movie isn't another type of bad movie doesn't make it good. The only points it gets in my book is the horrifying ugliness of the aliens. NOT. ENOUGH.

Blah.

Sliding Doors (1998)

Since I didn't watch this movie until now, thirteen years (has it really been thirteen years since 1998?!) after it came out, I can only assume I missed the zeitgeist boat on this one.

If you don't already know, the movie is about how different Gwyneth Paltrow's character Helen's life has the potential to be, hinging on whether or not she makes a train one day after getting fired from her job.

Thoroughly and charmingly silly in plot and acting, Sliding Doors feels highly inconsequential all the way through, even when poor Helen (SPOILER ALERT) is lying in a hospital bed dying after tragic accidents that leave her maimed in both alternate lives.

Overall it was an amusingly outdated bit of fluff. Bonus points for the friend who keeps bursting out laughing when something terrible happens to Helen's philandering lover (see the first 60 seconds of the clip). It was what I felt like doing throughout the entire thing.

The Illusionist (L'illusionniste) (2010)

The Illusionist is the animated interpretation of a script by the late great French filmmaker Jacques Tati. Directed by Sylvain Chomet (who was responsible for the much lauded The Triplets of Belleville (2003)), this film has a reputation for being compulsory viewing and is generally marketed as some type of Francophone animated masterpiece.

Admittedly, this aura of greatness is the justified result of being associated with both Tati and Chomet, whose honestly earned reputations managed to launch The Illusionist into that cringe-worthy category of film that "anyone interested in the cinema simply must see" and, implicitly, value and enjoy.

As you might expect, I could not wholeheartedly buy into the charm of this adaptation of Tati's work. Yes, the animation was charming. Yes, there were neat visual puns and clever tongue-in-cheek caricatures of various figures. Yes, there was a vicious rabbit and a wide eyed girl speaking Scottish Gaelic.

Yet there was a hole here, a gap. A lack. Charisma without depth, perhaps? The animation was nice, but not that creative. The story was gently frustrating, with safely low stakes for everyone involved. The extremely minimalistic dialogue was refreshing, but with so little a compelling story behind it, ultimately ill used.

Overall I sadly cannot recommend this film. If you're very interested in animation you'll probably watch it anyway, but consider yourself forewarned of disappointment.

Transformers (2007)

Literally the worst movie I have ever seen.